My name is Dicle. I am Turkish. I have been living in Canada since 2022. I am someone who grew up with all the "potential" to do anything. This is the story of how I got punched in the stomach, and I am, in fact, grateful for it.
Graduated top of the class, studied to become a lawyer, did my master’s in the United Kingdom, got qualified as a lawyer, started working at a fancy corporate firm, and then realized it was not my cup of tea. Seriously, who actually enjoys working on the merger of a pharmaceutical company with another pharmaceutical company for four years?
Apart from enjoying it, when I was 23, I came to the understanding that whatever I do for work should never ever serve the interests of a corporation or somebody who exploits people or the environment. That was my red line. Full stop. Or so I thought…
Then, my journey at the United Nations started. I worked "for" refugees and children for seven years. I know what you think, but hey! At least it was not for a corporation. The job was incredibly fulfilling, both professionally and personally. Pay was decent; I could travel all the time, and I even lived in Jordan for a year.
But I always had the itch. The itch that compels you to change your circumstances. The itch that refuses to be appeased and accept life as it is. The itch that will never leave you your whole life unless you notice it and take charge.
Cue Toronto. And to be honest, I tried hard for it. My partner and I went through a 1.5-year-long immigration process until we got our PRs. And during these 1.5 years, our lives were on hold because we were planning to move. By on hold, I mean never decorating our first home as a couple, never committing to any long-term plan or hobbies, and "Canada" being the central piece in ALL of our conversations.
Looking retrospectively, I realize what tunnel vision I had on my life back in Turkey in those couple of years. How could I be satisfied with a life that I do not even feel that I am living?
Here I am, a mid-career humanitarian professional trying to fit into the culture, the job market, and the lifestyle in Canada. In none of those conversations where Canada was the centrepiece did I ever think I could struggle to... achieve.
Obviously, I knew that I could struggle to find a job at my level with no Canadian experience ("but I worked internationally, wouldn’t it count?") or make friends easily as a 31-year-old. Still, not once did I ever think I would see all my understanding of concepts like work, money, reputation, or respect change.
Before I came to Canada, a job was nothing further than a livelihood for me. I defined myself as a musical theatre performer (tune in for the next episodes), not someone who worked at the UN, and I have never been a careerist. What I always looked for in a job were the pay, benefits, work-life balance, and meaning.
Most of my friends were like me. Every now and then, I would meet with a friend of a friend who worked at Big Four and be so proud of their brand (?), and I could never get how they could feel so much connection to an employer and, more importantly, a corporation.
So, at what point have I become someone who keeps scrolling LinkedIn instead of Instagram and trying to land a job in a big corporation that would take their employees to a retreat in California once a year?
As a leftist millennial, I can easily answer any difficult question with: “capitalism,” and it would be correct 90% of the time, this question included. I will later unpack the struggles I face regarding finances, how the system only supports profit, and anyone who rejects or cannot find a place in this system will be left to their destiny and be blamed for choosing to be "that person."
However, for this specific post, let’s go back to the question in the title: Did I ever know that I was changing my life? As a 31-year-old individual, you would think changing the continent where I live would be the result of an informed decision. I did, too.
Moving to Canada made me realize how many decisions I make are out of completely different reasons than what I desire, need, or enjoy. First of all, so many of them are out of FOMO. More than you can ever imagine. A great portion of them is the requirements of the persona I painted for myself, god knows how many years ago and why, and a small portion is me actually listening to myself.
Moving to Canada, amid all the pros and cons, helped me gain a perspective. Facing the challenges of "newcoming" compelled me to start asking real questions and even getting some initial answers to what I really wanted. It helped me re-evaluate the meanings I give to the concepts of reputation, respect, fulfillment, career or being a family. It allowed me to scrutinize my past, present, and potential future, comparing and contrasting, and finally appreciating the value of things, big and small, that I once took for granted.
I won’t tell you that I have all the answers now. I don’t even have 10% of the answers. I just want to give this message to all newcomers, immigrants, or anyone who is going through a rough time: Sometimes, a good old struggle is the catalyst for asking the real questions.
The answers you get may not be anything you had planned at all, but they are the first steps to that “informed” decision we thought we had already been making all along.
Comments