Have you ever felt like you are addicted to the adrenaline of life?
The adrenaline of life is not something you can get by doing extreme sports or putting your arm in the mouth of an alligator. You feel the adrenaline by changing something integral in your life. This could be anything from changing your well-working job to moving to another city or country, starting a Ph.D., or a whole new major.
At the beginning of our twenties, these integral updates would come automatically at least once a year. You start university, maybe go to another country the next year for your exchange semester, start your first committed relationship the following year, graduate the next year, then get a master's degree, your first job…and so on.
It seems dreamy reminiscing back then…
Then you get to your late twenties, and… everything pretty much remains the same. And there are some good reasons for that. First of all, apparently, you made some good decisions along the way so that you do not feel the urge to change your life. Secondly, having some stability gives us a perspective to look into ourselves. You can take a couple of breaths in and think about how you want to spend your adulthood now that you have come through many challenges of adolescence.
But it doesn’t work like that. During COVID-19, I realized that I am somehow addicted to that adrenaline. By the end of 2020, I was married to the love of my life. We had our own place in my favourite neighbourhood with many of my friends around, and I had finally started enjoying the work a bit.
Then this urge came, and I frantically started looking at ways to shake the foundation of my life, our life now. This is where Canada enters the picture.
And for the first time, this adrenaline-inducing change did not work as well as the previous ones. On the contrary, it actually gave me such a headache that I have been living the many first fails of my life once every week here.
Then, I started to think whether it could be an addiction to stress rather than excitement. When I started my first job, I felt bizarre working 9 to 5 and then having all that time to myself. It did not seem right, so I got enrolled in a Ph.D. program. I also felt bad spending all those years doing nothing, so at least I would get a degree in 4-5 years. Obviously, I couldn’t handle that. A Ph.D., while working, is not like an online self-paced module. I had to drop very quickly.
Right before I moved to Canada, my life was, by all means, peaceful. Who would know that peace could hurt your brain? My partner was a lifelong student. He worked in academia and completed his Ph.D. recently. Something he never understood was the peace of mind you have in the evenings when you work a 9-5 job because he never had that. He was constantly occupied with judging thoughts anytime he was not working on his article or thesis.
I think my dissonance with peace has a similar basis. I have never learned what being content feels like. Most of us were motivated by winning races, passing exams or getting a good job, but nobody told us what happens after that. So, to feel back on track, we feel the urge to create a stressful environment.
Also, I will not stop blaming the pandemic and its effects on us. Seriously, it ruined our whole social interaction culture and how we spend our leisure time completely. Many people got lonelier and more isolated than they were before. We turned to ourselves and our homes, pushing us to think over and over what the hell we were doing with our lives.
As millennials, we have seen the birth of social media. So when it started turning into a show-off platform, we knew what was going on and were probably less affected than younger generations. When we saw one of our college friends posting a series of photos from Florence, we were like, “Yeah…good for you, girl! I know you have it tough here, so enjoy your one-week holiday in Italy! I’m gonna do the same and share like crazy when I finally go to New York in October.”
Then, social media’s grip on us got stronger and darker each day. Despite knowing the fact that everyone uses it to show their best moments in life, suddenly, everything seems… more real? I am beyond the point of identifying whether those moments are random moments from people’s lives or a well-curated showcase anymore.
Let me give you an example. I am living in a 550-square-foot one-bedroom condo. I have limited options for decorating my place because, well, it is too small to fit any extra furniture. But I try… Then I see the bedroom of a friend of a friend on Instagram, and it is exactly one of those you see on Pinterest. Like… do you keep your bedroom in this messy but cozy Mediterranean vibe all the time, or did you post this photo because just once it looked like those Pinterest ones? Or is this even your place? Is everybody richer than me? How do people keep their homes so neat all the time?
So this tiny encounter is enough to pinch me in my peace. It's just a pinch now… but when it is joined by other small pinches, they hurt enough to make me think about my life and plan for a change.
Thank you for reading until this point. I try to close each post by providing some coping mechanisms I have. Honestly, I am still yet to develop some mechanisms for this. Because addiction to stress and its causes is something that I have only recently started realizing.
As much as you feel in control, reducing screen time will most probably work in keeping your peace intact. This is something I should keep reminding myself too.
Try making small changes in life, like starting a new and unusual hobby such as rock climbing or “pet portraits” (I saw this on the City of Toronto’s registered programs and was amused. Is this really a painting course where you draw pets? Amazing.)
Take note of what you feel grateful for so that you don’t take them for granted, and keep those as your anchor in life.
And finally, therapy. Therapy will help you realize the patterns and help you disengage from them to find your own path, which will work best for you.
Until next time… take care of yourself.
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